Losing a part of your humanity.

When holidays are here for 2 weeks and alot of peeps are going home as usual.
1 question arises from me though, "why am I not going back ?"

Another question arises from this question , "What am I going back for ?"

Well, let's see... "To go back to your parents at least ? Catch up with old dudes ?"
The fact is , I was never "really" being back home for quite some time already.
I disregard the need to go home during the holidays. Why? Because it's meaningless.

So...does that mean I am really that of a jerk that I don't even care about my family.
My mum used to say that " Find a GF not too far from Malacca ya ? Selangor,Johor and Seremban is good enough ok ?"
I would reply sarcastically " But my target is a Thailand 'girl'! If you just want me to go back home often, please do say so. =)"

So the point is, is it that I grew that much of independance over this time I lost the need for family ? Sigh...I wonder if this is a good thing, to be continue !

Shinning out from Tomei Jewelry Store, Lumaire was it's name... Diamond of Light it was known. Yet, What I saw was just a polished rock, soon to be consume by time itself to be dull and unattractive as it could be.

Anyway, it reminds me of Britney Spears when she was hawt, and well, now.
Sometimes we should see things as it could be and not what it is as now.

Botox and plastic surgery may help , but that changes who your supposed to be. XD

I must create my own system or become enslaved by another man's

I am the social outcast, always seeking a bit more wisdom through the marvelous power of thought and reasoning. Call me a rebel. Call me a daydreamer. Call me a freak. Call me 'weird.' Call me useless and self-absorbed. Call me unmindful. I would be called all of these things, and more, so long as I can sleep at the end of the day knowing I have lived my life honestly by my true nature, without dishonesty or a hint of foolish slavery, or typical illusions.

Requiem of Fate

Drizzling water pouring upon my face, sounds of splashing water around me. It was a dark and rainy day, gloomy yet refreshing with a strange feel.

I walked down the streets while the cold winds send chills down my spine.

"Where am I?" I thought suddenly. Everything around me started to be consumed by the darkness until it was pitch black and multiple footsteps are heard, approaching me.

"Who goes there ?" I asked in a shaky voice,clenching my fist preparing for self defense.

All the footsteps stopped. In unity, 3 blurred figures appeared around me , replying "We are one, you are WE !"

Doesn't take a genius to figure out this figures most probably represents the 3 different aspects of me.

Suddenly , one of them step up, what I saw was a man in a fully steel plated armor suit with a he's full helm on. "I m Courage." says the figure.
"Wait, I know you, Courage the Cowardly Dog right ?" says me jokingly. "Everyone knew I was a spineless douchebag, I will be damned if I had something called "Courage" in me."

The figure chuckled and said "Men will never Look at the things that they don't want to See. Most men will never look at what they fear the most."

"Of course, it's the most logical thing to do, people can't accept the truth. Might as well don't admit that the truth is there, what hurts the most is probably fatal solution to most people. But it's stupid to do so, running away isn't going to solve anything. I will seek truth, seek clarity, seek knowledge, look fear in the eye even if I m crying. Well at least I m still standing and trying to be strong." a long winded replied by me.

"For in much wisdom is much grief, and increase of knowledge is increase of sorrow"

"A happy doo da world isn't going to be fun anyway."

The figure suddenly disappears and a 2nd figure appears, A man wearing a mask and wearing a cloak.

"I m Pride."

"Ooooooo, Pride ! Do you know I have a large/fragile ego that will burst anything and nuke everyone else around me ? Absolutely fantastic ! Thanks to you of course."

"Well, at least your taking PRIDE in something negative."

"I wasn't complimenting you douchebag."

"Takes one to call one. Anyway, I can see I m an element that is deeply bounded into you. But what defined by you just now earlier is not PRIDE for your information."

"Then what is ?"

"a high sense of one's personal status (i.e., leading to judgements of personality and character) or the specific mostly positive emotion that is a product of praise or independent self-reflection."

"Dude, I could have swear ed you just wikipedia-ed that."

"No citation is needed for such descriptions."

"Ok whatever man, I guess I can just make you disappear like that Courage dude with some long winded crap."

"Go on."

"Ok, here's the deal. Yea I admit I m too prideful for my own good. Individualistic sense, I hate people that are incompetent, most people are incompetent shits anyway. Yea I know, it's not right to think so as whom are we to judge. That's why I rather to be alone, rather than pulled down to their 2nd rated level and be a jerk and screw everyone else. Perhaps isolating myself for my pride is the best thing to do, nobody will get hurt that way."

"Well said, remember, do the right thing always. Honor above all."

Pride disappears and the 3rd figure come forward, suddenly the scene shifted into a blurry dimension filled with black hole and voids.

"Who are you then ? My dark side or something ?"

"Far from close, I m you, you am I, subconsciously"

"Seriously ? I was always conscious man ! You must be shitting me."

"Remember that you always monologue with yourself ? Thats me, in your mind, talking to you."

"So your my imaginary friend huh ?"

"You can put it that way. Any idea why are you here smart arse?"

"This must be a dream, it got to be! Talking to yourself in your dream is way beyond logical explainations."

" This is the realm of self conscious and self discovery. You just met Pride and Courage, entities of you. Tell me, do you know who you really are?"

" Well, the MBTI test told me I was INTP. If that wasn't enough, I m 22 thi-"

"I MEANT, Are you self conscious of whom you are?"

"Well....Yea...I guess. What kind of question was that ?"

" What do you want."

" Err....lots of money ?"

"Barely an answer. Who are you ?"

"Look dude, Here's my IC."

"I guess you getting the idea why are we here having this little conversation. You don't know who you are."

"That's not true man, I m perfectly know who am I kay ?"

"Yet you didn't knew you had courage and pride ?"

"about that....It was a fluke !"

" I hope after this, You will know who are you, and what you want."

" Wait, after what ?"

Suddenly, the scene around me suddenly changes, it was like photography , except it consists of my memories of 20 years lifetime.

"People Come , People Go", "You know that"
"We all have our choices to make"
"We are who we chose to be"
"Know your purpose, fulfill your destiny."
"I am you. We are us. Singularity shall be achieved."
"Know yourself."
"Now, We Are One!"

Suddenly I found myself awoke in my bed, with sunlight piercing through the curtains and blinding my eye. It was really just a dream. But it was so clear...it was surreal...so epic.

Suddenly a voice faintly rings in my mind.
"What do you want?"

I could only give a devilish grin.

Do you know who you really are ?

"They say a man never really knows himself...until his freedom's been taken away. I wonder...how well do you know yourself?" by Arcturus Mengsk, Starcraft 2.

The true nature human are said to surface at times of desperation. Where everyone will do whatever it takes to save their own skin, albeit how honorable he/she has been before.

Ok enough for the dark side of human nature. On a lighter note, most people in this world are not self conscious. As in they don't know who they are, whom they want to be, what they want to be, why they want to do this and that. In short, they are just a souless shell without aim and priority.

Perhaps the 1st step to know yourself is....personality quiz !

http://www.mypersonality.info/

this 70 questions quiz will show to you who you really are, quite true XD

Hearing Voices.

As they say, the mind is a terrible thing to waste.
However, recently in deep thought, I realised that all I wanted is someone to understand what am I talking about. Apparently most people would have their head exploded if they were to try to understand me and I can't help it if nobody really comprehand who am I saying and I do jokes that makes me that look like a total jackass.

and Without a doubt,

- I act like a heartless bastard.
- I need a fortress of solitude away from the masses.
- I m weird to alooot of people.

New Desktop

Running with i5 750 core, 260 GTX Nvidia GPU, 4 GB RAM and filled with hell alot of slick hardware + 1 22 inch widescreen LCD.

Yes folks, it's here. Say hello to Diana, my new "wife". XD

I officially renamed study week as play till you dropped week.

Finished 3 games in 3 days. Sometimes I do amazed myself.
Hell, Dragon Age is hard to play without tatical means and good strategies. And every choice you made in the game makes a difference. Of course I had been playing the kill everyone in sight, kill 1st and don't even ask any questions later type, and of course, the child killer Main character. Just love it when I hear Connor screams while I pryed he's heart out. The dude is a demon possesed boy, he should be grateful for me killing him. And he's mum, of course I killed her too, she wanted to protect the kid so much that she annoys me. And I got away with it when I said : " The bitch was protecting an abomination ! She was lucky I killed her before someone burned her to death on a stake or something. A sword through the heart requires energy and time too you know."
Assassin Creed 2...meh ? Too easy, I can go through a city by killing everyone I see.
Just Cause 2, my favourite, yet it's quite easy. Blowing stuffs up is becoming one of my favourite part time.

Symptoms of non stop 48 hours gaming action includes :

Stiff and strained neck.
Delusional.
Disoriented.
Amplified focusing power.
Brain processing speed increased. ( everything looks so slow. ) Too much fast paced gaming I guess.

Probability finals ? It's a joke really. Little old me only commit 1 % of my time on it.
(1 % is rounded up.)

Looks like I m still alive and awake !

After 13 weeks of tests and craps, looks like I survived the ordeal and going into the study week and finals. As the end of semester approach...I do wonder what I learned this time. This semester I learned about Courage, controlling my emotions and state of mind.

Courage, this what the typical humans lacks. Always playing safe, taking minimum risks. Well guess what, we ain't gonna get anywhere with such attitude.

"The ships are safe in the harbour. Wait, is it that what supposed to do ?" If humans were not to take risks and be a coward, they will only a useless ship docked in the harbour.

This is my life , my destiny , I do what I see fit,and I take any responsibility for my actions.

Every man has a moment to remember in he's life. Especially the one moment he realised he's true purpose in life. I did not chose this path, I create it.

Busy

Being 1 month since I visited here...being busy with university life, an everyday 8-5pm routine isn't much of a fun ride.

Hope the CNY holidays will provide the much needed rest(sleep).

P/S: Valentines day fall on 14th Feb =O

Results !

W00t ! Could have been better, but what the heck. Letz Partyyyyyyyy !

Moment of Weakness

A record of my past: My moment of weakness.

It is said that humans tend to avoid looking at what they didn't want to see. This is because of natural behavior of humans as they prefer to be happy and deny any negative facts therefore leading themselves in self denial.

But sometimes we have to accept the truth instead of avoiding it, at least I braved myself to do so. These maybe are the few epic events in my life that I saw through my own eyes. Accepting the truth is indeed painful thus leading a person to he's weakness.

During my moement of weakness, I was in deep emotional thought. As I looked towards the nearby mirror, I saw tears rolling down from my left eye. Where else nothing was wrong with my right eye. In my left eye, I saw sadness, anger and fear. Other on the hand, my right eye showed nothing but a cold and deep stare.

From that day onwards, I "sealed" my left eye and sweared that I will never be weak again. That pretty much changed me and decisions are made.

Quote of the Day : “You'll never understand the reason, until you look deep enough into the cut to see the emotional pain that put it there.”

Removal of the emotional pains, This is how it all begins.

Past,Present,Future.

A man that have always lived in he's past will never be sucessful. How great you were is worthless against how great you are. How great you are will never achieve the same heights as how great you will be. We all live for the future. Leave the past, survive the present, and live the great future that you created.

Quote of the day :"Memories should be forgetten, Lessons should be learned. Past achievements are useless, Past experiences are golden. We all define our paths of life by taking a step infront and not behind."

Overrated

There're 2 things that I think is overrated in this world. 1st of all, Birthdays, especially 21st years old's, what a waste of time by doing a big celebration with it. It's not like you achieved something, it's something Time achieved on you. Useless and stupid belief I dare say. So now your 21, so what ? Is there any big deal ? You should know that this means your time in this world is getting lesser and lesser, yet you still celebrating it ?

2nd, Graduation party, Convo. Another piece of useless shitty celebration that spans around a week. You gotten a paper, yeah, good for you, so, are you going to rub your shoes with it? I don't see the big deal with getting something that you can get by studying for 3-4 years by passing exams. Time and resource wasting, you graduated, so what? You ain't that grand you know, so to speak, there're like 201390923324 gazillion people graduating from different university worldwide every year with a value depreciating degree.(0 value for Malaysian degree)It's not you achieved something great.

So, get a life and do something useful instead of celebrating things that aren't actually worth the trouble,time and money.

Quote of the day: "Humans are pathetic, always doing things for the wrong cause. I guess stupidity runs in their gens."

The Purpose of My Life

Lately, I realised that the human memory can store only so much memory that we can't remember everything we being through in our lives. So to solve this, I decided to write brief details of my life in journals, journals containing things that I had conceived through my thoughts, my experience, and what I had learn in the coming years.

I have then seperated them into 3 books,all with chinese words as their title.

The 1st book is named 独 short form for 独立 means independence. A complilation of my views and thoughts about skills required for one to able to work sucessfully and independently on their own in the world, such as Leadership, planning and organization, critical thinking, and concepts/ideologies.

The 2nd book is named 家 ,means family. A complilation of my thoughts about family values and the virtues of men. It's on my opinion on emotions and morality of human beings. Such as love to depression, making the right choice and taking up responsibility as a man. My guideline to be a human being. Moral and family values should always be preserved.

The 3rd book is named 明 , means enlightment. A complilation of knowledge that I learned throughout my university life. Ranging from research knowledge, engineering methodology, correct way of studying, and various useful theories and principles for starters. Included business theories and time of opportunities research by me.

when you put these 3 words together, since 独 has the same sound as 杜，you will get 杜家明, which is my name.

The purpose of my life is to show my descendants how I lived through these books. My hopes are they can learn from the mistakes that I made and live a better life through my experience and thoughts. I shall will be always be there to guide and love my sons and daugthers with my heart and soul.

Quote of the day:"The good life is inspired by love and guided by knowledge."

Is the grass always greener on the other side ?

When I m walking around in the hypermarket. I saw every single and lonely soul would probably envying another couple holding hands across the street. So the question is, are they worth envying? The truth is, there are couples that actually envied single person. Freedom of singles is something they envied.

A couple would have someone to care for them or vise versa. They will have hormon rushing to their brains, therefore making them feel happy and etc. To extreme extend, they can fulfill thier sexual desires. And those are the reason singles dudes envy couples.

But singles have their freedom...yes...freedom, you may think it's worthless when compared to a couple, but however I m lazy to elaborate , but maybe you will that "feeling" someday and come to realised what I had achieved.

Quote by a sex guru :"Guys love because of sex, Girls have sex because of love" Guys that denied this is not a guy at all, hypocrites !

Exam Finished but that's just the beginning of everything.

Exam just ended yesterday, but there's no reason to stop and rest now. Got to keep up the momentum, as someone that sacrificed everything, I have no fear, I have nothing to lose, there's no stopping now. So, this is how it's going to begin.

Can wake up one day at look at your hands, wondering what great things can you do with them? None ! Because I m too weak, I planned to change this right here, right now. Knowledge is Power, Experience is Wisdom, Character is Absolute. These are the things I shall gain through my both hands!

Quote of the Day: "Some say knowledge is power, Some say Character is power. But I will say that I m the power if I had them both"

Survival of The Fittest

Have you ever wondered, when your becoming richer, someone else in this world has became poorer? The flow money, in engineering, we can conclude that the entire world is a control volume, the maximum amount of money in the world is always static, only the internal change of who's owning the money is occuring. Suffice to say, when your becoming sucessful, your actually making someone out there failing.

The more sucessful you have become, the more lives you have destroyed.It's an inevitable course of life so to speak. There's a saying that a Good networking is a base for sucess. Yet, An anti social people can easily attain sucess without hesitating about the effects on others.

So as a conclusion, the one person that can totally sucessful easily is someone that has alot of networking skills, yet he is cold and emotionless, using allies to achieve victory. Yet to him, he's allies are just followers that are expendable. You may say he's morally wrong to do so. But did you know that the world is made out of alliance that is based on mutual benefits ? People are just using each other to achieve their goal. Would Hitler ally himself with the Japanese if it hadn't for their mutual enemy, America. An Enemy of my enemy is my friend. Would Stalin team up of the Brit and America if it wouldn't for their common hatred for the Nazi?

It's every man for himself out there in this cruel world. The weak should be devoured by the strong. Live with it, Deal with it and get on with it. Your F***ing screwed if your still a Mama's boy when you hit 20, a road kill to the real world. And I will be the one that "killing" you.

Quote of the day : " I rather betray the world 1st rather than waiting the world to betray me." - Cao Cao, Emperor of Wei *Romance of the 3 Kingdoms*

Those borned with silver spoons in their mouths tend to end up with dirt in thier mouth because of their ignorance. I want to to make a difference, I want a platinum spoon in my mouth once I m 30 years old. Gold spoons for my children and everything in the world for my wife.

Everybody has a Destiny to fulfill.

Did you ever woke up one morning and thought about your life's purpose? Yes,that's right, did you ever thought about your destiny before ?

The human life has a pretty short life span, ranging from about 60-70 years on average. Though the average is getting lower and lower day after day (we all know why). Would you end your life with a Bang or just let it die out without anything significant ? We all have a destiny to fulfill, it doesn't matter if it's a peaceful one nor a bloody one.

You may be a family man, aimed towards building a good family and nuturing your kids and take care of your beloved. Or you may be some war leader, (leaders from WW2 for example), some of them may be power hungry maniacs and branded insane, yet they bought something the world even's it's not good. These are examples of destinies that will be walk through by every human.

Destiny are chosen based on the path and characteristics you chose. Once chosen, there's no turning back. You path will bring you to your destiny. Always dream of your destiny !

Quote: “It's choice--not chance--that determines your destiny.”

Exam Day 4

After a short break on the weekends, it's finally exam day 4 , Art Appreciation course. Well..this exam was objective..so I barely put any effort to study it, did it in like 10 minutes, another 10 minutes to recheck and 10 minutes I was idle. So entire exam took only 30 minutes to finish. The good news is exam day 5 is about a week from now. Time to focus on my design project and start to produce results.

Something "hit" me today, I start to think about the human behaviour, their connection with enviroment and stuffs. Human's addiction to power as potrayed by the rise and fall of several powerful/insane dictators. Something to think about for the days to come.

Exam Day 3

Hmm Day 3. Thermodynamics was an open book test and I actually expected it to be very hard contrary to the questions shown in past years. I was correct, The questions are unbelievable out of league of the general scope of most students.

Hard as it is, I tried my best and I have no regrets. Pretty simple, actually I was awaiting this type of challenge though. After Mr.Liau's paper, I was actually having the urge to do challenging questions, trying to push myself to the limits, to see where do I stand. Both Dr.Ali and Dr.Chu made my day.

As I said before Malaysia Engineers only have 5 % professionalism when compared others around the world. After what I saw today, I think it's not even 2 %. Thx to Malaysia Education System I suppose.

Past year solutions, Solution manuals, pure copying on the spot. Wow, That's epic. Students are too fixated on getting an " OMG it's an A" or Hey,I got Dean List. It's retarded you know, that even there are lecturers are getting lazy on coming out new exam questions and just reuse their past years even in certain univerties at the Peninsula on the reason " I am busy with my research" LOL. Failtard lecturers creates of course Failtard students.

Yea, so next time you go out and work, the 1st thing you gonna ask your boss is " Where're the solution manual/past years solution ?" I bet you will well rewarded.

Leaked questions, Past year Solutions. I don't give a damn about those. Just prepare yourself for the exam, expect the unexpected and try your best. Believe in yourself and you will be fine.

Quote of the day : " Live so that when your children think of fairness and integrity, they think of you."

Responsibility, Professionalism, Integrity and Ethics. The true way of engineering.