Losing a part of your humanity.

When holidays are here for 2 weeks and alot of peeps are going home as usual.
1 question arises from me though, "why am I not going back ?"

Another question arises from this question , "What am I going back for ?"

Well, let's see... "To go back to your parents at least ? Catch up with old dudes ?"
The fact is , I was never "really" being back home for quite some time already.
I disregard the need to go home during the holidays. Why? Because it's meaningless.

So...does that mean I am really that of a jerk that I don't even care about my family.
My mum used to say that " Find a GF not too far from Malacca ya ? Selangor,Johor and Seremban is good enough ok ?"
I would reply sarcastically " But my target is a Thailand 'girl'! If you just want me to go back home often, please do say so. =)"

So the point is, is it that I grew that much of independance over this time I lost the need for family ? Sigh...I wonder if this is a good thing, to be continue !

Shinning out from Tomei Jewelry Store, Lumaire was it's name... Diamond of Light it was known. Yet, What I saw was just a polished rock, soon to be consume by time itself to be dull and unattractive as it could be.

Anyway, it reminds me of Britney Spears when she was hawt, and well, now.
Sometimes we should see things as it could be and not what it is as now.

Botox and plastic surgery may help , but that changes who your supposed to be. XD

I must create my own system or become enslaved by another man's

I am the social outcast, always seeking a bit more wisdom through the marvelous power of thought and reasoning. Call me a rebel. Call me a daydreamer. Call me a freak. Call me 'weird.' Call me useless and self-absorbed. Call me unmindful. I would be called all of these things, and more, so long as I can sleep at the end of the day knowing I have lived my life honestly by my true nature, without dishonesty or a hint of foolish slavery, or typical illusions.

Requiem of Fate

Drizzling water pouring upon my face, sounds of splashing water around me. It was a dark and rainy day, gloomy yet refreshing with a strange feel.

I walked down the streets while the cold winds send chills down my spine.

"Where am I?" I thought suddenly. Everything around me started to be consumed by the darkness until it was pitch black and multiple footsteps are heard, approaching me.

"Who goes there ?" I asked in a shaky voice,clenching my fist preparing for self defense.

All the footsteps stopped. In unity, 3 blurred figures appeared around me , replying "We are one, you are WE !"

Doesn't take a genius to figure out this figures most probably represents the 3 different aspects of me.

Suddenly , one of them step up, what I saw was a man in a fully steel plated armor suit with a he's full helm on. "I m Courage." says the figure.
"Wait, I know you, Courage the Cowardly Dog right ?" says me jokingly. "Everyone knew I was a spineless douchebag, I will be damned if I had something called "Courage" in me."

The figure chuckled and said "Men will never Look at the things that they don't want to See. Most men will never look at what they fear the most."

"Of course, it's the most logical thing to do, people can't accept the truth. Might as well don't admit that the truth is there, what hurts the most is probably fatal solution to most people. But it's stupid to do so, running away isn't going to solve anything. I will seek truth, seek clarity, seek knowledge, look fear in the eye even if I m crying. Well at least I m still standing and trying to be strong." a long winded replied by me.

"For in much wisdom is much grief, and increase of knowledge is increase of sorrow"

"A happy doo da world isn't going to be fun anyway."

The figure suddenly disappears and a 2nd figure appears, A man wearing a mask and wearing a cloak.

"I m Pride."

"Ooooooo, Pride ! Do you know I have a large/fragile ego that will burst anything and nuke everyone else around me ? Absolutely fantastic ! Thanks to you of course."

"Well, at least your taking PRIDE in something negative."

"I wasn't complimenting you douchebag."

"Takes one to call one. Anyway, I can see I m an element that is deeply bounded into you. But what defined by you just now earlier is not PRIDE for your information."

"Then what is ?"

"a high sense of one's personal status (i.e., leading to judgements of personality and character) or the specific mostly positive emotion that is a product of praise or independent self-reflection."

"Dude, I could have swear ed you just wikipedia-ed that."

"No citation is needed for such descriptions."

"Ok whatever man, I guess I can just make you disappear like that Courage dude with some long winded crap."

"Go on."

"Ok, here's the deal. Yea I admit I m too prideful for my own good. Individualistic sense, I hate people that are incompetent, most people are incompetent shits anyway. Yea I know, it's not right to think so as whom are we to judge. That's why I rather to be alone, rather than pulled down to their 2nd rated level and be a jerk and screw everyone else. Perhaps isolating myself for my pride is the best thing to do, nobody will get hurt that way."

"Well said, remember, do the right thing always. Honor above all."

Pride disappears and the 3rd figure come forward, suddenly the scene shifted into a blurry dimension filled with black hole and voids.

"Who are you then ? My dark side or something ?"

"Far from close, I m you, you am I, subconsciously"

"Seriously ? I was always conscious man ! You must be shitting me."

"Remember that you always monologue with yourself ? Thats me, in your mind, talking to you."

"So your my imaginary friend huh ?"

"You can put it that way. Any idea why are you here smart arse?"

"This must be a dream, it got to be! Talking to yourself in your dream is way beyond logical explainations."

" This is the realm of self conscious and self discovery. You just met Pride and Courage, entities of you. Tell me, do you know who you really are?"

" Well, the MBTI test told me I was INTP. If that wasn't enough, I m 22 thi-"

"I MEANT, Are you self conscious of whom you are?"

"Well....Yea...I guess. What kind of question was that ?"

" What do you want."

" Err....lots of money ?"

"Barely an answer. Who are you ?"

"Look dude, Here's my IC."

"I guess you getting the idea why are we here having this little conversation. You don't know who you are."

"That's not true man, I m perfectly know who am I kay ?"

"Yet you didn't knew you had courage and pride ?"

"about that....It was a fluke !"

" I hope after this, You will know who are you, and what you want."

" Wait, after what ?"

Suddenly, the scene around me suddenly changes, it was like photography , except it consists of my memories of 20 years lifetime.

"People Come , People Go", "You know that"
"We all have our choices to make"
"We are who we chose to be"
"Know your purpose, fulfill your destiny."
"I am you. We are us. Singularity shall be achieved."
"Know yourself."
"Now, We Are One!"

Suddenly I found myself awoke in my bed, with sunlight piercing through the curtains and blinding my eye. It was really just a dream. But it was so clear...it was surreal...so epic.

Suddenly a voice faintly rings in my mind.
"What do you want?"

I could only give a devilish grin.

Do you know who you really are ?

"They say a man never really knows himself...until his freedom's been taken away. I wonder...how well do you know yourself?" by Arcturus Mengsk, Starcraft 2.

The true nature human are said to surface at times of desperation. Where everyone will do whatever it takes to save their own skin, albeit how honorable he/she has been before.

Ok enough for the dark side of human nature. On a lighter note, most people in this world are not self conscious. As in they don't know who they are, whom they want to be, what they want to be, why they want to do this and that. In short, they are just a souless shell without aim and priority.

Perhaps the 1st step to know yourself is....personality quiz !

http://www.mypersonality.info/

this 70 questions quiz will show to you who you really are, quite true XD

Hearing Voices.

As they say, the mind is a terrible thing to waste.
However, recently in deep thought, I realised that all I wanted is someone to understand what am I talking about. Apparently most people would have their head exploded if they were to try to understand me and I can't help it if nobody really comprehand who am I saying and I do jokes that makes me that look like a total jackass.

and Without a doubt,

- I act like a heartless bastard.
- I need a fortress of solitude away from the masses.
- I m weird to alooot of people.

New Desktop

Running with i5 750 core, 260 GTX Nvidia GPU, 4 GB RAM and filled with hell alot of slick hardware + 1 22 inch widescreen LCD.

Yes folks, it's here. Say hello to Diana, my new "wife". XD

I officially renamed study week as play till you dropped week.

Finished 3 games in 3 days. Sometimes I do amazed myself.
Hell, Dragon Age is hard to play without tatical means and good strategies. And every choice you made in the game makes a difference. Of course I had been playing the kill everyone in sight, kill 1st and don't even ask any questions later type, and of course, the child killer Main character. Just love it when I hear Connor screams while I pryed he's heart out. The dude is a demon possesed boy, he should be grateful for me killing him. And he's mum, of course I killed her too, she wanted to protect the kid so much that she annoys me. And I got away with it when I said : " The bitch was protecting an abomination ! She was lucky I killed her before someone burned her to death on a stake or something. A sword through the heart requires energy and time too you know."
Assassin Creed 2...meh ? Too easy, I can go through a city by killing everyone I see.
Just Cause 2, my favourite, yet it's quite easy. Blowing stuffs up is becoming one of my favourite part time.

Symptoms of non stop 48 hours gaming action includes :

Stiff and strained neck.
Delusional.
Disoriented.
Amplified focusing power.
Brain processing speed increased. ( everything looks so slow. ) Too much fast paced gaming I guess.

Probability finals ? It's a joke really. Little old me only commit 1 % of my time on it.
(1 % is rounded up.)

Looks like I m still alive and awake !

After 13 weeks of tests and craps, looks like I survived the ordeal and going into the study week and finals. As the end of semester approach...I do wonder what I learned this time. This semester I learned about Courage, controlling my emotions and state of mind.

Courage, this what the typical humans lacks. Always playing safe, taking minimum risks. Well guess what, we ain't gonna get anywhere with such attitude.

"The ships are safe in the harbour. Wait, is it that what supposed to do ?" If humans were not to take risks and be a coward, they will only a useless ship docked in the harbour.

This is my life , my destiny , I do what I see fit,and I take any responsibility for my actions.

Every man has a moment to remember in he's life. Especially the one moment he realised he's true purpose in life. I did not chose this path, I create it.

Busy

Being 1 month since I visited here...being busy with university life, an everyday 8-5pm routine isn't much of a fun ride.

Hope the CNY holidays will provide the much needed rest(sleep).

P/S: Valentines day fall on 14th Feb =O